Say hello to your new bicycle themed restaurant

Well that settles it, Bill’s Lighthouse Inn had its transfer of license approved the other day and new owner Marla Streb (the Strebinator, as I call her) will be occupying the space for South Baltimore’s second attempt at a Bicycle themed restaurant – hehehehe get it?

At any rate, seems like the establishment will now be named Cafe Velocity and will feature some sort of cycling theme, as the owner is a professional mountain biker and probably a triathlete and/or Parkour expert or something. Whether or not the joint will be bicycle themed “in name only” much like The Bicycle, the failed defunct wine bar / restaurant where Centro Tapas now resides, remains to be seen. Beyond that, the neighborhood where Bill’s sits is a bit rough around the edges, to the point where prior ownership often times had to bolt the doors shut to keep drunkards out. Yeesh. Beer Baron Steve Fogleman noted “She’s a tough woman. I mean really tough,” so it’ll be interesting to see how this whole thing flies – er, pedals.

And being that I am personally an expert on all things restaurant, here are my suggestions for the upcoming Cafe Velocity that will enhance the experience, the cycling ambiance, the essence of biking:

• When customers enter the restaurant, rather than having some sort of little bell or beeper to alert the staff there are customers, the door should set off a bike ringer, alternatively the full length version of Queen’s “Bicycle Race.”
• Everything on the menu must absolutely somehow work bicycles into the title. Perhaps a fried onion strips app called “Onion Spokes?” Or a burger called “the Lance Armstrong,” made with beef from a cow that survived cancer and later dumped its wife for a pop star?
• Replace all of the barstools with bike seats, really thin bike seats.
• Actually, replace all chairs and stools in the establishment with really thin bike seats.
• NEVER, EVER refer to Cafe Velocity as a “biker restaurant” or you may get some undesirable clientele.
• Servers should, on occasion, deliver plates of food to tables on unicycles. Or maybe tiny trick bikes.
• Absolutely, positively jury rig one or two bike helmets to function as Foam Domes for happy hour. You’ll thank me later!

Am I missing anything? Who’s got some other suggestions?