What’s with cyclists anyway?
[The unedited version of what appeared in the Urbanite:]
Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problems with people getting exercise but really do you have to do it in the street? You don’t own the roads, I own the roads, I pay taxes and you cyclists don’t. And don’t go trying to raise the gas tax or put in more toll roads to pay for roads, I pay enough as it is. Roads are important so I support getting more money from the General Fund and Project Open Space to build and maintain roads, anything so long as I don’t have to pay more for the road I drive on.
If you cyclists have to get exercise do what I do and get an exercise machine and stick it in the basement, that way when you feel the urge to get exercise you won’t bother anyone else. Of course I hardly ever use the thing as it’s boring as heck but I am not a Lance Armstrong wannabe either and what’s with that anyway? You cyclists might as well give that up, no way are you going to win the Tour de France. If you are trying to lose weight go on a diet like normal people. I lose 5-10lbs every time I go on a diet, no big deal but then I gain it right back again but that’s a different story.
Hang on a sec, I got a call…Hey Joe! What’s up? … Ya I am on my way over. Sure I’ll pick up some beer and snacks for the game tonight, it should be a good one…. I might be a late, traffic is a mess today. [Sound of honking] Same to you buddy! See what I mean, it’s a real zoo out here. See ya when I see ya, bye. OK back to cyclist, the problem with cyclists and them taking their dear sweet time going places, it’s called rush hour for a reason you know. I am doing import things and I have places to go and I don’t go around holding everyone up while I smell the roses. It’s a real problem, I drive 10-15 mph over the speed limit and when I come upon a cyclists it can be real scary.
Cyclists should be required to get a license to bike like people have to do in order to drive. Oh what’s up with that driver? “Move it buddy! Hang up and drive!” Geez, some people can’t chew gum and drive at the same time, some drivers, I tell you, one of these days… but anyway where was I? Driver’s License, ya what a joke, 20 questions that I could have answered with my eyes closed, no wonder we have the kind of drivers we do on the roads but cyclists they’re the real problem. Just look at this clown on a bike, I’m stuck in traffic and he just whizzes by and he’s probably going to run the next red light too, they really need to obey the laws like everyone else.
Anyway I got to go pick up some things for the party tonight so I’ll just double park here while I run in as I'll just be 5 minutes. Anyway cyclist please don’t block the car lanes not even for 2 seconds as that is real irritating, OK?